girls

Sometimes I think I’d like to know if she really knows at all what kind of effect she has over me. When we end up talking about things they never end up getting that deep and the time I tried to she got really uncomfortable and ended up sleeping on the couch in lieu of sleeping in the same bed as I. At that moment I was deeply hurt and confused, we’d been seeing each other for over 6 weeks and sleeping together, I guess I figured it meant at least enough to her where she could talk to me about what was wrong. Turns out that I was completely wrong and she’s too private to disclose whats going on in her head at all even to people she’s been fucking for over a month who she was friends with for 8 months before it even started to happen.

Maybe it’s just that I’ve fallen for someone who is convinced they dont feel. Who has the need to be premiscious and just fuck around. It hurts but maybe there isnt anything to do about it but cry. I’ve spent so much of my time this summer hanging out with her and growing to appreciate and care so deeply for everything she is. Looks like the reciprication is less than I could ever have imagined. I see her at the bar and she says hi. There is little to say, I bring up that she didn’t return her call but she didn’t seem to care at all. Then I try to talk to her but she doesn’t seem to want to talk and just sits down at this table on the inside. I don’t know the people so I can’t even join the conversation. Even though she says she’ll be leaving soon, as if it doesnt matter if we talk cause she’ll be gone very soon, and is only going to finish her beer. Finishing that beer took at least 2 hours because she had to talk to this guy who was hitting on her hardcore the whole night. It just really hurts to think people care a lot about you only to be completely wrong. Why are people like this, especially the people I really truely care about. If things continue like this I’m never going to find a meaningful relationship only stupid fucking dead ends and one night stands… I’m just ready for something real, where is what I’m looking for?

That’s how I felt last night and a lot of this morning, now that I’ve come to realize I was really overanalyzing things I feel pretty stupid. I got this IM from her while I was at work…

[11:38] Nicole: hmm didnt mean to drink that much last night
[11:39] Nicole: well i gotta get offline cause i’m just visiting dominic at the coffee shop and using the back computer, just thought i’d say hi since i didnt talk to you really last night, got caught up in discussing environmental politics

Well I’ve got to say it makes me very glad I didn’t actually say anything to her or genuinely get too upset. I think like a girl and it’s a big pain in the fucking ass.

Tags: emotion